The Amazing Power Of Appreciation

December 11, 2009

Interview with Dan Shapiro, author of the book Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate

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Mike Carruthers:
Showing appreciation can be almost magical in any relationship or negotiation if you know how to do it right.

Daniel Shapiro:
People often say, "Empathize with the other person, validate their emotions." But what does that mean?

Daniel Shapiro, author of the book Beyond Reason, says real appreciation requires three steps. Number one…

I want to first understand your perspective. So, my wife wakes me up at eight o'clock Saturday morning and she says, "Dan you didn't do the dishes." First thing I want to do is understand where she's coming from, but understanding is not enough. Because if the next thing out of my mouth is, " I understand why you're so upset with me, but I think you're crazy." I'm not doing step two, which is finding merit, finding value in her point of view.

And that's the tough one because it's a lot easier to find fault and dismiss the other person's point of view, but finding merit is absolutely necessary.

And to do that would mean, "Mia, I understand why you're waking me up - you've had a tough week, you've stayed up with Noah last night, you've done so much around the house, I understand it." Third step to appreciate someone is to show it. It is so rare that we actually express appreciation to others. If I appreciate my wife but I never let her know, she's not going to feel the benefit of appreciation - and neither am I. That's the power of appreciation.

To hear the complete unedited interview, click here