A Better Way To Disagree

January 14, 2010

Interview with Lisa Earle McLeod, author of the book The Triangle of Truth 

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Mike Carruthers:
When we disagree with someone we typically take the position that, "I’m right and you’re wrong."

Lisa Earle McLeod:
We can’t hold onto the idea that, "I’m right and you’re right." Because I think if I acknowledge that you have a point then my point is going to go away. And that’s a completely false premise.

Lisa Earle McLeod, author of the book The Triangle of Truth, says in any argument both sides probably have a point but the argument never gets resolved because we’re arguing about solutions rather than figuring out the truth.

The way that you do it is you literally take a moment, pause and say, “What’s my truth?” Is my truth that you need to talk to me for an hour every night when you walk in the door, or is my truth, "Talking makes me feel loved."? Do you see the difference? One’s a solution and one’s just a truth - because the truth can never be in conflict with the truth. “I need my husband to talk to me to make me feel loved.” – who’s going to argue with that?

But even when you understand the truth it takes patience and effort to find a solution.

And we’re so uncomfortable with uncertainty. So we don’t sit and try and  work out a solution, instead we try do this quick compromise, or we stalemate, we fight.

And very often the first solution is not the best solution.

What happens is we think, "Oh assimilate truths," and we give it one try. And we go, “Oh well that will never work” - because it’s really difficult. Do you know how long our founding fathers had to work to get the competing ideas of freedom and responsibility into the Declaration of Independence? They didn’t just sit down and on a Post-it one night and go, “Hey guys, I got a plan”.

To hear the complete unedited interview, click here