How Couples Fight

April 13, 2011

Interview with Sharyn Wolf, author of the book Love Shrinks: A Memoir of a Marriage Counselor's Divorce

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Mike Carruthers:
If you’re in a relationship you’re going to fight, so how you fight is going to have a big impact on that relationship. So how do you fight?

Sharyn Wolf:
Well you want to fight fair, there’s no name calling. You want to focus on the issue and not get distracted into a kitchen sink fight where every other issue that you’ve ever had together comes up.
 

Marriage counselor Sharyn Wolf, author of the book Love Shrinks: A Memoir of a Marriage Counselor's Divorce

And couples fall into very bad fighting habits where they curse at each other or where they shut down and are unreachable. It’s also about teaching them how to have empathy for each other, how to put themselves in each other’s shoes.

The purpose of a fight is to come to a resolution so it’s important to keep in mind what you’re trying to accomplish because very often when fights get out of hand…

The goal becomes to hurt the other person, the goal becomes to get your way – you want to win. And I always say to couples, “Do you want win or do you want to be happy? If you want to be happy then you can’t always be the winner.”

But Sharyn says you do have to win some of the time.

So, so many times it’s better for the couple if one person concedes and lets the other person get their way and it’s called goodwill. Having goodwill in a couple is so important and goes a long way toward building the relationship and making it strong. 

To hear the complete unedited interview, click here