Instantly Improve Any Relationship

August 31, 2012

Interview with Cloe Madanes, author of the book Relationship Breakthrough: How to Create Outstanding Relationships in Every Area of Your Life

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Mike Carruthers:
In any relationship we all have the need for security and certainty.

Cloe Madanes:
One of the paradoxes of human life is that as soon as you have certainty you have the need for uncertainty, variety - you want some surprises.
 

Cloe Madanes, author of the book Relationship Breakthrough...

Somebody can fulfill the need for variety or for uncertainty by watching TV. Somebody else might have to race motorcycles. What you have to do is to understand how your partner seeks to satisfy those needs. You know people say, "I gave her everything and all of a sudden she wants a divorce". Yes, you gave her everything except what she needed.

Another important human need is the need to feel significant.

And nothing gives you significance like violence. If somebody comes now into my room with a gun he becomes the most important person in my life. And so the need for significance can be satisfied in good ways or bad ways - through violence or through giving to others, for example.

What's interesting, says Cloe, is if you satisfy these needs in your partner...

The person will never leave you. You've created an addict. Who's going to leave someone who gives them total certainty, who gives them variety and entertainment and surprises and fun? Who makes them feel important, significant?