Stop Negotiating With Your Kids

October 27, 2009

Interview with Susan Stiffleman, author of the book Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected

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Mike Carruthers:

Parenting can be a tough job, especially if you’re locked in a power struggle with your child.

Susan Stiffleman:

Power struggles happen when a parent doesn’t fully own their role as what I call “the captain of the ship in the child’s life.”

Susan Stiffleman, author of the book Parenting Without Power Struggles...

I use an image as the right hand being above the left hand to sort of demonstrate that that’s the natural position for parents – it’s a hierarchical relationship with the parent in charge and on top, so to speak. And if you move the hands side-by-side where you’re discussing and explaining and negotiating and battling that’s where you have a power struggle. No one is in charge and whoever is most committed to their position is likely to win.

Sometimes the words we use can inadvertently trigger a power struggle.

Any time you "need" a child to do anything - when you need them to brush their teeth, when you need them to start their homework, when you communicate to them that you need them to do it – you’re already headed toward a power struggle.

So what would be better to say instead of “I really need you to put on your socks”?

“Sweetheart, get your socks on.” It might sound like a small change but there’s a feeling behind it and the kids, remember, are always picking up the feeling underneath our words. And it’s more of an empowering way for you to speak to your child to help you to hold that place as being confidently in charge.
 

To hear the complete unedited interview click here.