Talking With Ease In High Stakes Conversations

June 18, 2012

Interview with Barry Michaels, author of the book The Tools: Transform Your Problems into Courage, Confidence, and Creativity

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Mike Carruthers:
Have you ever felt insecure of reluctant to go up and talk to someone whose opinion you care about? There’s a reason for that.

Barry Michaels:
Everybody has what Carl Jung the great Swiss psychiatrist called a shadow. The shadow is strangely enough a living being, living inside of you of which you are deeply ashamed and embarrassed.
 

Psychotherapist Barry Michaels, author of the book The Tools...

Now there’s nothing wrong with having a shadow we all have one the problem is that we all try to hide it when we’re speaking to someone whose opinion we care about.

However trying to hide your shadow actually makes the situation more scary.

Because now you’re going to scrutinize the person that you’re talking to, to see whether someone your shadow is showing. So we teach people to make friends with your shadow.  I know that sounds a little hokey but my shadow and I are incredibly close. And he knows that I will stick up for him no matter what anyone thinks of us. Now when I have to speak to someone whose opinion I care about my shadow and I are so close I no longer care about what the other person thinks and I can speak in what’s called a flow - where you’re natural, you’re spontaneous.

And it really helps to remember that everyone has that shadow.

And the funny thing is we’re all very unimpressed with other peoples shadows, it’s kind of like well why would you be embarrassed about that? But when it’s your shadow you feel deeply ashamed of it.