When You Can't Or Won't Forgive

March 25, 2011

Interview with Gary Egberg, author of the book The Forgiveness Myth: How to Heal Your Hurts, Move on and Be Happy Again When You Can't or Won't Forgive

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Mike Carruthers:
To forgive someone typically means to let go of a hurt or a grudge.

Gary Egeberg:
The trouble with the definition of "letting go" for forgiveness is that many people can't or won't do it.
 

Gary Egeberg, author of the book The Forgiveness Myth...

Forgiving by its nature implies that if you hurt me, Mike, that I might have to somehow generate good will towards you or let go of what you did that hurt me. Whereas if I focus on healing I'm keeping the focus on myself and I'm not focusing on you.

People who will not or cannot forgive are often criticized for holding on but Gary says…

They're not, not letting go just for kicks and giggle. They're struggling to let go because there hasn't been justice or there's not accountability or there hasn't been some kind of restitution. It almost goes back to our days of little kids playing in the sandbox. If someone hit us our instinct was to hit back. And there is something that's right about that, something in our human condition that we want some fairness. And forgiveness for many people seems like it's unfair.

So if forgiveness is not an option then perhaps the focus should be on healing.

And it just provides you with a different framework that says, "Hey, my healing doesn't have to come from focusing on this other person, generating goodwill or forgiveness toward him or her. My healing can come as I choose to make a fresh start." And then the resentments, the anger will dissipate naturally without necessarily forgiving.