Why Couples Really Fight

August 2, 2010

Interview with Tim Downs, author of the book Wonders Never Cease

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Mike Carruthers:
Couples argue and fight – but about what?

Tim Downs:
Somebody once said nothing keeps an argument going like 2 people who don’t know what they’re really fighting about. And until you get down to the real underlying issues you can think that you’re different in a thousand ways when there are really only 7 essential differences that divide us.
 

Marriage counselor Tim Downs, author of the book Wonders Never Cease…

One of them is security and that means are we safe and do we have enough. The problem in marriages is one of you values security more than the other one does. So financial arguments are often really security arguments – one of you is a saver, one of you is a spender. It’s because you both want to have fun but one of you doesn’t want to have fun today at tomorrow’s expense.

Loyalty is another one of the 7 core issues.

We break it down into faithfulness and priority. Are you faithful to me and do I have the priority that I think I deserve in your life? So in-laws arguments are often really loyalty arguments. You’re not really fighting about whether you like my mom or not it’s just that my mom seems to have taken on a priority in our marriage that you don’t think that she should have. And until you talk about it in terms of loyalty it’s hard to make any headway.

So a good example of a security argument, says Tim, is…

My wife wants me to keep the garage door shut and I love to keep the garage door open. I never realized that’s a security argument. She just feels like I’m not safe if somebody can break into the house through the garage door. Well you know when we realize that we’re not fighting about garage doors that changes my attitude - keep the garage door shut.

To hear the complete unedited interview, click here