Transcripts

Dr. Steven Stosny, author of the book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, says the real reason couples fight has to do with vulnerability - first of all men feel vulnerable to shame.

Particularly dread of failure, as a provider, protector, lover or parent - you can make a man angry or depressed by insulting him in one of those ways. In other words when your wife says, "Honey we need to talk" you're immediately ready for…she's going to tell you how you've been failing.

That feeling of shame in men, says Dr. Stosny, will trigger a fear and anxiety response in women.

Females have a similar vulnerability to fear, particularly of harm, deprivation or isolation. And when males feel shame they will either get angry and stimulate that fear of harm or withdrawal and stimulate the fear of isolation - and that's the cliché of the nagging wife and the withdrawing husband.

Dr. Stosny says just being aware and understanding that this fear, shame dynamic is going on will help couples stop blaming each other.

It's blame that is the poison of the relationship, "I feel bad, and it's your fault." I believe that this fear, shame dynamic is why most people divorce.

You can link to Dr. Stosny's website from ours: somethingyoushouldknow.net - I'm Mike Carruthers and that's Something You Should Know.