Mike
Carruthers:
To forgive someone typically means to let go of a hurt or a grudge.
Gary Egeberg:
The trouble with the definition of "letting go" for forgiveness is that
many people can't or won't do it. Gary
Egeberg, author of the book The
Forgiveness Myth... Forgiving
by its nature implies that if you hurt me, Mike, that I might have to somehow
generate good will towards you or let go of what you did that hurt me. Whereas
if I focus on healing I'm keeping the focus on myself and I'm not focusing on
you. People who
will not or cannot forgive are often criticized for holding on but Gary says… They're
not, not letting go just for kicks and giggle. They're struggling to let go because
there hasn't been justice or there's not accountability or there hasn't been some
kind of restitution. It almost goes back to our days of little kids playing in
the sandbox. If someone hit us our instinct was to hit back. And there is something
that's right about that, something in our human condition that we want some fairness.
And forgiveness for many people seems like it's unfair. So
if forgiveness is not an option then perhaps the focus should be on healing. And
it just provides you with a different framework that says, "Hey, my healing
doesn't have to come from focusing on this other person, generating goodwill or
forgiveness toward him or her. My healing can come as I choose to make a fresh
start." And then the resentments, the anger will dissipate naturally without
necessarily forgiving. You
can link to Gary's website from
ours: somethingyoushouldknow.net
- I'm Mike Carruthers and that's Something You Should Know. | 
