Mike Carruthers:
Here's an interesting way to look at all conflict.
Erik
Fisher:
At the core of it, it's really about power. That there is a
different level of perceived power in other words; I'm seeing
my power differently from somebody… the way that somebody else
is seeing it.
Erik
Fisher, author of the book, The
Art Of Managing Everyday Conflict…
So, if
I want to be in charge and somebody sees me as not in charge
or I feel like somebody's not agreeing with me I feel like they're
not acknowledging my power. That then creates a fear or threat
and that fear or threat is what prompts the conflict.
Erik
says and this sounds a little more complicated than it is that
there is an inverse proportional relationship.
Meaning
that the more power we're showing on the surface the weaker
we're feeling inside and that's the inverse proportional relationship
between the power we're showing through emotions like anger,
rage or hatred and the emotions we're often feeling underneath
like fear, shame, helpless, hopelessness, misunderstood.
And it
works the other way. If you don't explode in anger or hatred
in a conflict you retain your power. Because in that situation…
We get
our power from within. And if I realize that I can believe in
myself and other people are also there to teach me then I'm
less likely to see comments as criticism. I'm likely to see
them as constructive feedback that can help me become better.
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