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May 3, 2004:
"Constructive" Criticism Can Poison Relationships
Interview
with Charlie Bloom co-author of 101
Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married
Mike
Carruthers:
You probably know people in marriages or relationships where one
person is very critical of the other.
Charlie
Bloom:
Generally when we criticize people there's an underlying intention
to change them.
Charlie
Bloom, co-author of the book 101
Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married...
And there's
an underlying message in there that your not doing it right,
and this is what you need to do, and I know better than you
do. So even if the content of the criticism is constructive,
or it's well intended, it's not going to feel supportive to
the person who's feeling judged and put down by it.
Criticism
in a relationship can be poison, says Charlie, and there is
a better way. Which is rather than criticize your partner, simply
express how what they do makes you feel.
Put yourself
in that position, if I said to you "That was a stupid question
that you just asked me, you know", or "How can you
say anything like that," you're going to feel differently
then if I say to you, "you know, when you said that I felt
judged", or "when you said that I felt misunderstood."
So what we want to do is we want encourage people to focus more
on what are you experiencing, and to express that rather than
focusing on what is it the other person is doing that you don't
like. The person who is receiving that input is less likely
to be defensive, and the more likely to be open to hearing it.
Tomorrow
the important distinction between privacy and secrecy in a relationship.
I'm Mike Carruthers and that's Something You Should Know.
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