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October 1, 2004
Holding Grudges
Interview
with Robert Karen, PhD author of the book, The
Forgiving Self
Mike
Carruthers:
At sometime in your life you've probably held a grudge against
someone.
Robert
Karen:
It offers a perverse kind of security and also some
power and I think that we know how to make a home in our resentments
and to feel like victims and to have the moral high ground.
We like that.
Dr. Robert
Karen, author of the book The
Forgiving Self says, in reality you may be the only one
affected by your own grudge.
The person
who you're holding a grudge against may have moved on and let
go of the relationship and faced the fact that you're no longer
going to be his friend or lover or whatever. Whereas you go
on for the rest of your life living in some way as the victim
of the person who hurt you. And by the way, I should add that
in most conflicts between people, it isn't so clear who is the
wrong doer and who is the victim.
There are
a lot of benefits to forgiving and letting go of grudges, but
where do you start?
Ask ourselves,
"Is this relationship and this person something we value?"
And if we do, wouldn't we rather be in positive embrace with
that person rather than this cold standoff? Then if we want
to reconnect there are so many ways of doing it you know, you
can make that call, you could say I want to reconnect, you could
say I'm sorry for having shut you out.
And is forgiving
someone worth the risk? Dr. Karen says almost always.
I've
never met anybody who was able to forgive in a true and authentic
and deep way that was ever sorry that he had done so.
At somethingyoushouldknow.net
I'm Mike Carruthers and that's Something You Should Know.
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