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June
24, 2002:
Arguing with Your Mate
Interview
with Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of How
to Be a Couple and Still Be Free
Mike
Carruthers:
Why is it that some of those heated arguments we have with our
mate get so out of control?
Tina
Tessina, Ph.D.:
The problem
is accessing our logic when we're upset. When you're upset,
when you're aggravated, it's very hard to be logical.
Psychologist
Tina Tessina, author of the book How
to Be a Couple and Still Be Free.
We pool
our logic and our reason together for work and in public. But
at home, we want to relax. It's a wonderful addition to your
marriage, to be childlike and playful and open in that way.
But when things are not working, you need to be able to access
that logical because that's what's going to keep you out of
trouble.
And the
best way to access that logic, says Tina, is to focus on what
the problem is for you.
Not
"You always do this!" or "You always do that!"
but "I have a problem with this. I feel too trapped in
this relationship." And once you can express that clearly
to yourself, then you can express that clearly to your partner.
So why is
this so hard? Because in those instances when we are not being
logical…
…the
focus is on the wrong thing. The focus tends to be on who did
it wrong, what went wrong, who's right, instead of what's going
to solve the problem. When the focus stays on what's going to
solve this problem for the both of us, the discussion is much
more productive.
You can
now get transcripts on our website, somethingyoushouldknow.net.
I'm Mike Carruthers and that's "Something You Should Know".
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